My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
