I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
