put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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