Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
