Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
