Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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