i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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