You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
