You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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