I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
