my being single is dangerous.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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