someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
