i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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