I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
