why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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