i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize