i need an iv and a liver transplant
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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