I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
