I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
