I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We have started to decorate penises.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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