Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
