there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
