I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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