Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize