I want to have your abortion
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
