I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
