too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
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