we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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