glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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