I met the friendliest cop last night
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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