Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
