sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
