he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
