ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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