my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
