Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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