the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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