So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
