Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
