If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
