My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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