you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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