dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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