people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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