Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
