Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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