I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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