My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
