I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
