He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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