in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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