That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
