i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
