operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
