Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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